Tawakal

السلام عليكم 

I will remember this day, 

The day when I walked through the streets. The day when I was at somewhere I had never been. The day when I walked alone and tried to find something I deserve. 

I feel so grateful surrounded by people who care about me. But today I feel more, I feel that I should spend more time with them. We don’t know how many time we waste until they’re gone. 

I don’t want to regret anything about them. 

Someday, my mum and dad will leave me alone. Nobody will understand me like they do. They are always the reason why I cry. I know I’m not a good daughter, I don’t give any contribution to my family. I have nothing to give, I always ask for everything I think I deserve. But yes, I do not deserve anything. 

People deserve the best goal for the best thing they did. 

Me? What I’ve done is nothing. So far, the best thing I did is my skripsi. I don’t even know whether it deserves an A or not, but I did it by myself. Happy to know that you can do something by yourself. 

I feel so small. 

Today, I feel like someone who deserves nothing. I knew my capacity when I met many people in that building. I went to the 16th floor, to meet some people I never knew before. What a day. It’s not the first job test and interview, but it drives me crazy. I got through the hard stages. Hard to be well organized in anything I did today. I messed it up! God shows me that arrogance and ignorance are the things I have. 

That’s a big company in this country. 

I was so nervous, that’s normal. No matter what position you expect, if the company is that big, you will get nervous. Ya, that’s me. 

I have that, tawakal. 

Last year, God sent me a gift named tawakal. Means we may try hard but God takes the decision. I do believe that God always plays fair.  If I get failed, there will be another building to go. I'll wear better stilettos, the higher one. But, if I get that job, that’s my luck, and of course thanks to God. 

Written on June 13 2012